YH3 CHANCELLOR’S SPEECH AGPU 2018
Madam G.M.; Master R.A.s; esteemed guests – and hashers:
The past 12 months have left YH3 battered by economic uncertainty and political scandal:
- Our post-Yexit bonus hasn’t appeared yet.
- The Ferrets’ extortionate divorce demands have bankrupted the exchequer.
- And Mismanagement has collapsed following continual allegations of sexual harassment and general misconduct.
Madam GM – Now, more than ever before, is the time for strong and stable fiscal policy, driven by a strong and stable Yorkshire Hash Cash!
Today, I report on our Hash which, in spite of the odds, continues to grow, continues to create more hares than ever before and continues to confound those who talk it down.
A hash set on its path to a new relationship with our Lancastrian neighbours and a new future outside the European Hashing Union.
Negotiations on our future relationship with the Lankyzone are in a critical phase.
While we work to achieve this deep and special partnership we are determined to ensure that YH3 is prepared for every possible outcome.
We have already invested almost £700 in Yexit preparations.
And today I am setting aside over the next two years at least another £50 in case of a “No Deal” with the Black Pudding Hash – A situation which even Donald Trump recently agreed would be an “offal, offal, bad, bad, deal” for YH3.
Do not doubt our resolve to quit the iniquitous Lancastrian Customs Union – as supported by all those remoaning, Scouseophile Yes Men such as Ever Ready, Poor Sod and Jake the Peg. You underestimate us at your peril!
But this statement is about much more than Yexit.
We understand the frustration of our stalwart hashers whose subs are under pressure.
And we understand the pressing concerns of all PUPs who are Just About Moving – the so-called JAMs who make up 90% of our membership.
So, we choose a balanced approach:
Maintaining fiscal and alcoholic responsibility, as we at last see our debt and liver disease peaking.
But continuing to invest in the hares and infrastructure that will support the trails and insobriety of the future!
By building a prosperous and inclusive hash where everybody has the opportunity to fall over and be ridiculed in a safe environment.
A civilised and tolerant hash that cares for the piss artists and nurtures the inebriated.
Wherever in Yorkshire they live.
And whatever their background.
An outward looking, free-drinking hash.
Unless you happen to be a Scouser – In which case you can chuffing well sod off!
Yorkshire is the world’s sixth largest hashing economic unit.
And Cookridge is the number one international hashing financial services hub.
We also have the world’s best hashing brains, developing a raft of technological solutions that will transform both the global hashing infrastructure and the high paid, high productivity, Lancastrian-free trails of tomorrow.
Today we unveil a £400 investment plan to support a wide-ranging programme of initiatives from Red Rose Radicalization Awareness training on the one hand, to, as promised in our manifesto, the full implementation of 5th Generation, tin-can-and-string connectivity.
Yes – Indeed – Today we proudly launch our Enhanced Bipolar Geospatial Umbrella system (or Ee By GUM, for short).
Ee By GUM enables any PUP to access the hares’ instructions, hounds’ calls and other assorted hashing misinformation simply by switching on their hearing aids.
And Ee By GUM automatically shepherds lost and otherwise meandering hashers back to the On Inn, whether their discombobulation is due to drunkenness, incapacity, stupidity or any combination of the above.
Current statistics indicate that Ee By GUM will be used on at least 98% of all future YH3 and PUPs trails combined!
And as we all get older, there is also much excitement about the potential of new technologies to extend hashers’ debauchery well into their nineties and beyond.
Madam GM – You pioneered the first “virtual” trail at the end of 2016 when no one in YH3 could be bothered to get off their backsides and throw some flour around.
Advanced drone technology now lets us take this concept much further with a fleet of “Driverless Hares”.
These devices can check out pubs remotely, find the best shiggy without hares getting mucky feet and even put flour down without the hares venturing outside.
By 2023, all hashers will be able to enjoy fully-immersive 360 degree virtual runs and down-downs without leaving the comfort of their own wanking chariots.
Yes, our ageing demographic means we must plan urgently for our social care needs throughout the decades to come.
- Many of us will be without family or friends
- Most of us will be confused and bewildered
- All of us will be insanitary, objectionable old codgers.
How will we preserve our hashing dignity?
Foremost amongst such concerns is housing:
Madam GM – Today we announce the Dunhashin’ Project – a Yorkshire-wide portfolio of retirement villages, exclusively for hashers only.
These complexes have been carefully designed and constructed to maximise both our safety and our hashing integrity.
Each village features:
- A pub at its centre
- Ample space to hold hash festivities both inside the pub and outside
- A medical centre next door to the pub
- Exclusive bungalow apartments, arranged in a circle
This unique layout ensures that, no matter how disorientated we are when staggering home from the pub, we’ll keep wandering repeatedly past our own front doors until such time as we either realise where we are or someone else takes pity and steers us in the right direction.
And if we collapse in the process, emergency medical assistance is near at hand.
Waiting lists for the first three establishments, due to open in Spring 2019, are already packed with PUPs. Bespoke safety and security arrangements are also underway to accommodate FD and the Roots respectively.
Finally, I turn to foreign policy.
Post-Yexit, we are rapidly re-establishing our rightful place in the hashing world.
The huge diversity of delegates here tonight demonstrates that the world is queueing up to sign meaningful, bilateral free-hashing deals with our newly-formed Union – “The United Hash of Great Yorkshire, Harrogate and Northern Scarborough”.
Our first duty is to our Caledonian cousins from Aberdeen, Cairneyhill and Edinburgh. We have much in common, being similarly tight-fisted and curmudgeonly in our outlook and, more to the point, your respective economies are in a far worse state than ours. That being true, we’re bound to squeeze vast quantities of whisky, haggis and other goodies out of you for next to nothing.
Elsewhere, we will continue to honour the existing special relationships we have with certain soft southern UK hashes including Herts, Isle of Wight, Norfolk and Newcastle – yes even the Geordies are soft compared with true Yorkshire grit!
Nonetheless, I am pleased to confirm that these groups will continue to enjoy full hashing rights in Yorkshire and will not be included in the upcoming travel ban on Lancastrians and other affiliated terrorist organisations.
Next, we welcome the Tiger economies and Middle-Eastern representatives from Miri, Lion City, and Qatar. YH3 is happy to drop any visa restrictions within the Bah’t ‘at travel zone in return for oil and financial services.
Other UK hashes such as Birmingham, Bristol Greyhounds, Hastings, North Hants and Rutland are required to demonstrate a five-year commitment to the Yorkshire economy before tariff-free hashing can be considered.
There is also a collection of shady, intermittent, underworld groups here today who refuse to state their locations clearly – yes – I’m talking about EWSH3, FUKFMH3, Friends of the Mole and the so-called Ancient Britons.
A clear message to all those who would hide in the shadows – either declare your county, or get to the back of the queue!
To the European Hashes, represented tonight by Bergen, BMPH3, The Hague, Hannover, Mijas and Stockholm, I have just one question – Who the Bloody Hell let you lot through border control in Hull?
You are all on strict one-week visas, which we may relax to 28 days if you each agree to take the relevant Yorkshire citizenship test.
Our Hash is on the brink of a trail-laying revolution.
One that will change the way we hash and transform our hashing standards for generations to come.
Either we embrace the future.
Seize the opportunities which lie within our grasp.
And build on YH3’s great beer drinking success story.
Or reject change and turn inwards to the failed and irrelevant piss-ups of the past.
We choose change:
- Our future as an independent sovereign hash
- Our social care guaranteed through technology
- Our carousing bolstered by our bloody mindedness
Madam GM – I commend this statement to the Hash!
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