YH3 CHANCELLOR’S SPEECH AGPU 2017
Madam G.M.; Master R.A.s; esteemed guests – and hashers:
The Yorkshire Hash has spoken.
And the result is … We’re Out!
- Out of the corrupt alliances that have stalked the Yorkshire / Lancashire border.
- Away from the incompetence of previous so-called mismanagements.
- And free of the eurocrats who insist that Yorkshire’s trail markings must conform with the rest of the known hashing Universe’s.
Let’s be clear – Yexit means Yexit!
- We will build a wall round the Black Pudding Hash – and we’ll make Shaggy Plug pay for it!
- We will withdraw from the leaden, inefficient Lankyzone economic union.
- We will create a Northern Powerhouse of hashing to rival anything currently on offer in Europe or the Far East.
- And we will repeal the laws that enable unelected soft Southern Jessies to dictate the shape, size and colour of Yorkshire’s roses.
Yexit will fuel dramatic increases in beer consumption and drunkenness – not just within Yorkshire – but also throughout the Bah’t ‘At region.
We have assigned Talking Pussy as YH3’s post-Yexit ambassador – a move that has been widely welcomed – particularly in the USA!
TP is currently on a whistle-stop tour, assisting several other right-thinking, populist hashes with their independence ambitions:
- In Harrogate, preparations for Hexit include border controls on the A61 and a vigilante force to keep non-hashers off the Stray and away from the Crimple valley.
- The Pissed-Up Pensioners have declared UDI throughout the Horsforth and greater Headingley areas. Formal Pexit negotiations will begin before the end of March.
- And, of course, in Scarborough, the road towards Sexit has been long, tempestuous and bumpy.
- Madam GM – Even AGPU can’t buck this trend. Axit and Sexit combined are too powerful to resist. Current predictions show an East Coast AGPU by the year 2018!
Hard choices lie ahead before we trigger article 69 of the Liversedge treaty. Our Yexit red lines are as follows.
Firstly - Freedom of hashing:
- We respect the rights of all hashers to visit and hash with YH3 – so long as they bring beer with them.
- Long-term residency and membership, however, is henceforth subject to strict quotas and regular reviews.
- Hashers not born within the three Ridings must now demonstrate that they share YH3’s values by passing the “Where Has Tha’ Bin” Citizenship Test at least once every five years.
- Compulsory subjects include:
- Elementary Yorkshire Dialect
- Advanced Tight-fistedness
- Yorkshire trail markings
- Yorkshire Ale and Breweries
- Lancastrian awareness and countermeasures
- Wheels, Weasel Shit, 19th Hole, Yogi, Littleworld, Black Widow, Dark Horse and Footloose – You’re all in the clear – for the time Being.
- Rapunzel, Bookend, HRT, Henry and Ginger Root, Lick It Up, D’Dog, – and – yes – Madam GM – Easy Access – Your exam begins in three hours’ time!
Our Next Red Line - Incomers:
- All scousers – whether native or by parentage are to be deported to the Lankyzone immediately – accompanied by their dodgy mail order spouses.
- This move will save YH3 £500 per year in subscription fraud and hub cap replacement.
- Ever Ready, Speedbump, Poor Sod and Jake the Peg – collect your belongings and bugger off to Burnley!
Our Third Red Line - Hashonomics:
- This Mismanagement has a Plan for Yorkshire. One that gets us the right deal abroad but also ensures we get a better deal for ordinary hard-working hashers at home.
- The morally bankrupt nay-sayers and intellectual elitists – that clogged and hampered our mismanagement for years – warned that Yexit would turn YH3 into a “strange, isolated, bargain-basement hash, floating on the fringes of the best piss-ups on Earth”.
- But, Madam GM, taking into consideration:
- Our eclectic membership
- Our surly attitude to incomers
- Our unique trail markings
- And our sustained, historically low £15 annual subscription rate covering 55 runs each year
… it’s obvious that Yorkshire became that kind of hash several decades before the referendum was called!
- But what’s not to like? Hashes are queueing up to agree bilateral, tariff-free beer and flour deals with YH3. Represented tonight are ministers from Hertfordshire, Norfolk, Ancient Britons, Truro, First UK Full Moon and Qatar. These dignitaries all visit us every January simply because there’s sod all else to do down South!
- Certain Overseas Hashers – most notably Fivebar and Miss Whiplash from the Isle of Wight – have successfully qualified for our coveted “Johnny Foreigner” award, having completed over 50 runs with YH3
- Even the hard-bitten, dyed-in-the-wool, Lancophile hashes – such as Chester and Lune Valley – have admitted that to punish YH3 – simply for having the best beer in the North of England – would be a futile and Catastrophic act of self-harm.
- To the other hashes represented here tonight, including TNT, East Grinstead, Birmingham, Bergen, Rutland, Newcastle, DAFT, Cairneyhill, Friends of the Mole and Gold Coast – we simply say this – You can hash in Yorkshire whenever and wherever you wish, so long as:
- You pay your way AND
- You’re not a Scouser!
Madam GM – Our final red line is Sovereignty:
In disgust at Yexit, Chancellor Neptunus from the Hague has already, sad to say, Nexited Yorkshire, Returned to Holland and spurned our offer of some proper beer this weekend.
But Europeans beware – We will not have the likes of Mr Neptunus or his Brussels-based crony – Chancellor Higgins LeFevbre – dictating the shape and positioning of Yorkshire’s hash markings. They tried and failed at the 2014 Brussels beer odyssey and they won’t do it again! It’s very simple:
- A cross is a check.
- A blob means you may be on.
- A circle means you’ve gone the wrong way.
What More do you need?
Straightforward, unregulated trails for straightforward unregulated Yorkshire hashers – that’s what we’re about!
Before I finish, I have one more announcement.
This is my fourth Chancellor’s speech at AGPU.
After careful consideration, and detailed discussion with the GM and RAs, I have decided that it will also be my last.
Madam GM – I am abolishing the Chancellor’s Speech!
No other major hash makes hundreds of drinking changes several times a year, and neither should we.
Starting in January 2018, The Chancellor’s speech will be replaced by an annual “State of the Hash” address, but no other major fiscal or beer-setting event will take place here.
But don’t think for one second you’ll be free from scrutiny. This time next year, YH3 will be a year older and we’ll all have a year’s extra idiocy and Alzheimer’s under our cloth caps.
Rest assured that my 2018 address will contain a far greater quantity of insulting, inflammatory codswallop than I’ve managed to dredge up this time!
Madam GM – We have made our choices:
- Open for hashing!
- Closed to scousers!
- Proud of our beer and trail sovereignty!
I commend this statement to the Hash!
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