Chancellor's Speech AGPU 2016
Mr. G.M.; Madam and Master R.A.s; esteemed guests – and hashers:
Two years ago, when I presented our first Spending Review, our drinking was in crisis and there was no money left.
We were borrowing one pound in every four we drank.
Our job then was to rescue YH3.
Today, the Hash Cash lifebelt is fully in place and, uniquely in the Hashing World, YH3 always meets its obligations:
- To spend 20 percent of its income on Down-Downs
- And 10 percent on preventing radicalization by So-called Scousers.
This review brings far-reaching changes to what Mismanagement does and how it does it, whether it’s the way we:
- train our hares;
- rehabilitate persistent absentees;
- deliver care for Pissed up Pensioners and other assorted old codgers;
- or ensure maximum blood alcohol levels throughout YH3
In the Budget, we predicted £500 added income from our measures on trail avoidance and evasion.
Today we go further with new penalties for Flour Abuse and action on disguised attendance schemes.
These include penalizing hashers who repeatedly turn up at the On Inn without attempting the run.
Creamy Ring, Love Muscle, Flossie and Ever Ready are currently under particular investigation in this respect.
And to enforce the law, we’re building one of the most digitally advanced stats administrations in the world.
Every annual and weekly subs payer will have their own digital stats account by the end of the decade.
This will enable them to:
- Scan themselves on and off every run they attend
- Manage their own stats online, and
- Download their current vindaloo at any time using the YH3 SnappyStats App.
Once those accounts are up and running in 2017, we’ll require capital subs tax to be paid within 30 days of either the completion of any run or the disposal of any defunct hasher.
The Mismanagement position of Hash Stats will be redundant by the end of next fiscal year and paper stats returns will be abolished the year after.
There’s our commitment to eradicate trail fraud - A fair deal for honest hard-running hashers!
YH3 is at the forefront of scientific progress and we will always pay our way.
Our PUPs in Space initiative launched a decade ago and has caught tantalizing glimpses of hashing in far-flung realms such as Northallerton, Chester, Silloth and the Isle of Wight.
Our plan to reduce the PUPs burden overall has also seen ten PUPs travel to Star City in Keighley for intensive Out-of-Yorkshire hash training.
The first one-way tickets to establish permanent colonies in Lancashire and beyond have been issued. Rocky, Weasel Shit, Wheels and Henry Root have been assigned to Expedition 1, which departs on Monday.
In the wake of the recent trail fixing scandal, Mismanagement is committed to eradicate any attempt by any rogue hare to keep the pack away from the pub for any longer than necessary.
Manipulation of the Longest Inter-Beer Outside Run rate (better known as LIBOR) is now strictly prohibited. A 20percent flour tax is being considered to ensure that trail lengths are kept short.
Strict penalties for transgression are now in place and serial offenders such as HRT, Lick It Up, Cheesy and Jake the Peg are banned from the Receding Hareline until further notice.
YH3 has been battered by a series of extreme economic and environmental events during the past 12 months
- Cyclone Annie blew in from New Zealand early in 2015.
- The damage caused by Hurricane Blow Job is still being assessed eight months on.
- Storm Clueless took a meandering track between Harrogate and Leeds for most of the Year.
- Hurricane Doolittle caused unprecedented disruption during a YH3 Saturday run. Tadcaster Bridge remains out of action today.
- Storm Easy was classed as a “Near Miss” for Yorkshire. Damage was confined to small areas of the Isle of Wight.
- Typhoon Flossie generated the loudest sustained sound ever recorded.
And today, Yorkshire is braced once again – Hurricane Ginger is imminent and a Red warning has been issued.
December’s flooding also led directly to an increase in hashes being classed as “overseas” both technically (being located outside Yorkshire) and physically (as a motor boat is now needed to cross the border).
Subject to appropriate visa checks, we welcome our visitors who regularly travel great distances from, Essex, Hertfordshire, Newcastle, Lune Valley and the Isle of Wight simply to see how ale should be supped properly.
Right-minded Yorkshire hashers will, nonetheless, be relieved to hear that such incomers remain ineligible for drinking benefits until they successfully complete both a probation period of 10 years and a full Bah’t ‘At Citizenship test.
Let’s be clear, however, that all assorted soft Southern Jessies (particularly those hashers seeking asylum from Norfolk or the Solomon Islands) are ineligible for such benefits under any circumstances.
We were elected as a “no-bloody Incomers” Mismanagement. Today we deliver the Spending Review of a “no-bloody Incomers” Mismanagement:
The guardians of beer-drinking security.
The protectors of Yorkshire’s hashing sovereignty.
The builders of a better inibriated future.
I commend this statement to the Hash!
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