CHANCELLOR’S SPEECH AGPU 2011
Madam RA, esteemed guests and hashers; Today’s the day when Yorkshire Hash House Harriers step back from the brink.
When we confront the bills from a decade of excess.
A day of rebuilding when we set out a four-year plan to put our drinking and whoring on a sustainable footing – for the long term.
We are going to ensure, like every right-minded hash in the country:
That what we drink, we can take;
And, that for the floosies we seduce, we have the income to meet the consequential child support;
We have, at £2,000 pounds, the largest structural budget deficit in the Hashing World.
The previous Hash Cash plans – if you can call them that – envisaged that our international drink expenditure would still be rising in the year 2014.
This at a time when hash funds would far better serve the needs of our indigenous hashers than those of foreign carousers from Lancashire, Scotland, Belgium, The Netherlands and beyond.
Madam RA, The action we have taken since May has taken YH3 out of the danger zone:
We have created an independent Office for GM Responsibility to bring prudence and respect back to the top of our Hash.
And I can confirm that the OGR, and its new chair Lady Smuttars of Steeton-Cum-Saltaire have audited all of the GM’s activities and have managed successfully to keep him quiet for a period of twenty minutes – a record in the modern era!
Madam RA, I turn now to our spending decisions and the two principles that underpin the choices we have to make.
Reform – that we must root out waste and deliver the necessary changes to make our hash fit for the modern age.
Fairness – that we are all in this together and must all make a contribution to those areas of spending which are most likely to support beer.
First, Madam RA, reform.
The hash must support the expectations of today’s hounds, rather than those of the 1980s generation such as Ann Berlin, Magnum and Dark Horse.
We have begun by squeezing every last penny out of waste and administration costs.
Hashes will be integrated.
Mismanagement posts will be abolished.
And administrative budgets will be cut.
I can announce today, that, with immediate effect, the Full Moon and PUPs hashes will merge with YH3 to create Riding the Yorkshire PUPs Hash House Harriers.
Run numbering will start at 1501. Runs will take place at each new moon, full moon, equinox, marriage, funeral and each time a PUP attends a warfarin clinic.
20% more runs at 40% lower cost!
GMs, RAs, and sundry mismanagement will serve jointly in the first instance. Reductions will then be made through natural wastage, wherever possible.
Resignations due to sexual misconduct total 38% per year in the YH3 mismanagement sector. This is, nonetheless, balanced, by the longevity and persistence of some post holders. Current estimates show that Henry Root and Lick it Up will still be in post when England next hosts the World Cup in the year 2030.
Consequently, there will be redundancies – this is unavoidable when the hash has run out of money. Hare Raisers will be combined with On Secs. Beer Masters will be merged with Raffle Dollies and Haberdashers. This will avoid the need for 90% of transactions to go anywhere near Hash Cash.
I can announce today that the GMs have graciously agreed to a one year cash freeze in the hash Civil List for next year.
Going forward, they have also agreed that total GM Household spending will fall by 14% in 2012-13 while concubines will be frozen in cash terms.
To support the costs of Wheels’ historic Diamond Jubilee in 2012, which the whole hash is looking forward to celebrating, there will be a temporary additional facility of £10.
Madam RA, Yesterday my RA consultative committee set out the conclusions of the Strategic and Trail Review.
The Hare Raiser’s budget will reach £12 in 2014-15, a saving of 8% over the period.
On top of this settlement, we will continue to provide out of the Reserve the resources that our expeditionary forces require for counter-sobriety operations in Norfolk, Hertfordshire, the Isle of Wight and Rossendale.
But, Madam RA, our international influence is not only determined by our trans-European trail stalking capabilities.
Our overseas alcohol development policy matters too.
Savings of 24% in the Foreign and Exotic drinks budget will be achieved by sharp reductions in the consumption of wine, rum, tequila, rough scrumpy, lager and other non-Yorkshire beer based beverages.
This will halve the number of deaths caused by cheap foreign plonk.
It will also maintain our security against incursions from the Edinburgh Hash – along with its Pictish affiliates – and against West Country terrorist threats from Plympton, Truro and beyond.
Madam RA, Reform is one of the guiding principles of this review.
So too is fairness. Let’s be clear.
A fair mismanagement makes sure that those with the largest livers bear the greatest burden.
There is, understandably, universal anger that successive Hash Cashes, who were so weakly regulated over the last decade, should now be contemplating paying themselves high bonuses.
We have already decided – in the face of opposition from the previous mismanagement – to introduce a permanent levy on Hash Cash.
However, that is not enough.
We want Hash Cash to pay not just by the letter of the subscription law, but by its spirit. Both Dark Horse and Jake the Peg (and all successive Hash Cashes) will pay £100 per year to hash funds to ensure that their perks and junkets are fully funded in perpetuity.
Furthermore, we must by all means avoid any contagion from the recent and ignominious financial bail-outs imposed upon the Scarborough and Harrogate hashes. We are honoured to welcome, fresh from Brussels, the president of the European Central Hashing Reserve but, Monsieur Higgins Lefevbre, we will not take your Euros!
Madam RA, The last mismanagement promised fairness and flunked it. We will deliver.
The guiding rule will be this: it will always pay to hash.
Those who lay trails will be better off than those who don’t.
However, we will also introduce a new cap on trail laying.
No hare may lay more than five trails per year, but any hasher that lays no trails shall pay double subscriptions. Lick it Up, D’Dog, Pansy and Rambo are to be retired. Matilda, Strappadictomy and Ginger Root (amongst others) are required to locate their cheque books.
That is a tough, but fair deal.
Of course, those in receipt of the PUPs Disability Living Allowance (such as Stick) or the War Widows Pension (such as Wetnix) will be excluded.
These trail laying measures will save the hash £700 each year.
We also keep the universal benefits for PUPs, in recognition of the fact that all of them have had absolutely no life whatsoever outside the hash.
Free liver and prostate tests;
Free down-downs for the over 75s;
And – Madam RA – Free Viagra and Winter Shagging Payments will remain exactly as budgeted for by the previous mismanagement – as promised!
To ensure that these costs are not passed on to the ordinary subscription payer, mismanagement has agreed a funding deal for the full duration of its Charter Review.
Annual subscriptions will be frozen at £15 for the next six years.
Mr GM, Let me conclude.
We have put hashers’ interests first.
Made the tough choices.
Protected trails, events and investment in beer.
Reformed mismanagement excesses and cut waste.
Made sure that we are all in this together.
And taken our hash back from the brink of bankruptcy.
I commend this statement to the Hash.
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