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' YH3 Run 1454, New Inn, Baildon, 5th April 2010

Hares – Paddy O'Day and Wonky Donkey

Scribe – Jake the Peg

An Easter Eggstravaganza

How many 'eggscruciating' Easter puns can be crammed into one write-up? It's all old hat (or bonnet), but I'm trying to hatch all the eggs I've found in the Pocket 'Oggsford' Dictionary (although you'll have to translate them yourselves from here on).

Don't utter expletives at this point. If I expatiate excessively, it's your own fault. None of you lot volunteered, so expiation must be expected.

You've had my exordium, now here's the exposition…

Whether extensive or exiguous you can't guess the size of a Bank Holiday pack in advance. With several regulars exiled overseas or otherwise expatriated, we had no idea who would turn up.

Our hares – Wonky and Paddy - were exasperated before we began. They couldn't expel the pack from the pub, and several hounds had exported themselves to a more exotic venue (The Halfway House). All suspects were exhorted under threat of excommunication. Extenuating circumstances were soon, however, exposed: The Hare Raiser had expounded erroneously on the YH3 website. The pack was exculpated and Pansy may soon be executed.

Today, it was vital exoterically to explain YH3's eccentric markings since five new boots were extant on their first excursion. As experienced trail-laying exponents, Wonky and Paddy exhibited some suitable exemplars.

Excitedly we effected our exodus, but our patience was soon exercised to the extreme. Despite close examination, we couldn't excogitate the exact direction at each check. To extinguish the exclamations and expostulations, the hares expediently laid an arrow towards the river, thereby expediting our progress.

Their trail laying was exonerated to some extent as the markings became more explicit whilst we expertly skirted the river, taking care not to be excoriated by the barbed wire fences. The pack's length expanded and many took the wrong direction at the next check, inexplicably extravasating themselves towards Esholt rather than extricating themselves back towards the main road.

At the regroup, expectation jumped when we found out that extra enjoyment was nearby. The hares told us to explore the ground and thereby to expose examples of exfoliate confection. An Easter egg hunt, in other words. No expense had been spared and the children (both young and ancient) exulted as they each excavated an exceedingly excrescent pile of chocolate exuviae.

Our exalted spirits expired soon after these exhilarating exhumations. It was already dark and the trail was becoming extraordinarily long. Surely the hares couldn't excise any extra effort from us now? On the contrary – “Exelsior!” was the cry as we flogged upwards through dark fields and steep ginnels to the very top of Baildon, expectorating and execrating as we went.

All energy expended and with chests exploding, we felt entirely exhausted by the exertion. There was no time, however, even to exhale at the summit. With exquisite irony (and somewhat extempore), we were led immediately downhill once more. As we were still a long way from the pub, the hares were now obliged to expunge extraneous extracts of the remaining trail lest our very late finish be exacerbated still further.

Unfortunately, this experiment in the art of expurgation backfired with an extra half-mile being added inadvertently as we negotiated a council estate. The trail was now extinct, we had excelled our finish time by an hour and we had been virtually exterminated.

Time for the circle. I'll try not to exaggerate.

Inexcusably, one of the YH3 exarchs (Easy Access) was taking an exterritorial exeat overseas. As extradition was not an option, the resulting exigence was averted by Ever Ready who expropriated Easy's RA executive powers by exequatur. He stepped forward exuberantly and expounded expressively as he administered the evening's exequies.

The experience was existential, extrovertly delivered and carefully designed to extol the worthy and extirpate the sinners. The exorcisms ran roughly like this: Evers finished his exegesis and I paid him the down-down dues with a mixture of notes and exergues. Great food and raffle, and that was about that.

I hope you enjoy this Easter excerpt and that I've left no eggs on the exterior. Time for me now to stop extruding this excrement and to run for the exit.

On On!

Jake (Chancellor of the YH3 Exchequer) AD 2010-05-02 20:30


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