CHANCELLOR’S SPEECH AGPU 2010
Mr GM, esteemed guests and hashers; today’s report takes place at a critical time for our Hash and for Yorkshire’s brewing industry.
Hashes across the world have taken co-ordinated steps to deal with the biggest pub closure crisis for over half a century.
In Yorkshire, our action on subscriptions has reduced the impact of this downturn on hashers, harriettes and hangers-on alike.
But there is still uncertainty.
The task today is to secure beer supplies and to promote long-term debauchery.
To this end, we must invest in the drinking skills of young people to avoid a lost generation of youth sobriety.
Today, I can announce measures to guarantee drinking opportunities for the young.
A credit of five pounds per child, to be offset against subs, will be given to each hasher who introduces a person under the age of sixteen.
A further credit of five pounds will be given if that child is still hashing upon reaching the legal drinking age of 18.
This structure means that Rapunzel, Bookend, Pints and Pansy will pay no subscriptions until the year 2023.
Mr GM This afternoon I convened a meeting of hashing leaders - both senior and junior mismanagement - plus members of the Pissed Up Pensioners Commission to make decisions on the operation of hashing allowances - pending the recommendations of Sir Terrence Wheels’ Committee on Standards in hashing Life.
We have today agreed a robust set of interim measures which will take effect at once and do not pre-empt any more substantial changes to be put forward by the Wheels Committee.
Second homes: there will be no more claims for items such as beer barrels, tankards, red dresses, fireworks, obscene T-Shirts, ferret houses and rubber chickens.
Couples: hashers who are married, living together as partners or shagging each other as the occasion permits must nominate the same main home and will be limited to claiming a maximum of one hasher's accommodation allowance between them.
This applies to:
- Firstly, couples who can’t decide where to live, such as Black Widow and Grope, Dark Horse and Whole Hog, Lick it up and D’Dog.
- Secondly, honorable hashers with second and third homes either in the UK or abroad such as Flossie and Ever Ready, Heroin, and Dr Ruth.
- Finally, those who are shacked up together and can’t be bothered to get married, for instance Candyfloss and Smuttars, Rivet and Little Stiffy.
Claims will be capped at £20 per year and shall be subject to the recommendations of the Wheels committee - this maximum figure will be reduced in the longer term.
The same cap will apply to rent and hotel accommodation.
Mr GM, immigration reached an all-time high in 2009. Many indigenous Yorkshire hashers disapprove of all such people. We can report, however, that our “controlled incomer” programme contributed more than 10% to the YH3 economy in the last fiscal year.
We will always fulfil our obligations to genuine refugees escaping persecution from their home hashes. Record numbers passed their citizenship tests and became full YH3 members during 2009. The list of trail seekers with dual nationality now includes Boghopper, Give ’Er One, Ann Berlin, Shaggy Plug, Jack Tar, Doolittle and Talking Pussy.
“Standing together against the failed states of Scarborough, Rossendale and Harrogate!”
Mr GM, this week sees the start of the Interhash Conference on Licensing Change - a historic opportunity for a universal agreement to tackle global sobriety.
This will embed the high-octane, high-consumption hashing events crucial to our future sanity and drunkenness.
We can be proud that Yorkshire has led the way – on meeting our Masham and Tadcaster targets, introducing minimum beer budgets, and recognising too that developing areas need help to increase their own alcohol footprint.
We welcome the third-world overseas delegations from the Netherlands and the Isle of Wight and we promise to travel extensively during the next year to ensure that all such developing countries maintain progress towards meeting their 2020 liver transplant obligations.
Furthermore, I can announce an extension for two years of the YH3 scrappage scheme. Hashers over the age of 60 or with more than 750 runs will receive a bonus of 20 pints if they leave YH3 and run exclusively with the PUPs Hash. This move avoids all that meat and no potatoes.
Mr GM, 2009 saw the Yorkshire Hash take on over £16,000 worth of Toxic AGPU assets. This, coupled with the excessive bonus culture of the previous AGPU administration, warranted swift and significant action.
Consequently, a major stimulus package was instigated in the last financial year to bail out those hashers with the largest bar bills including Sleeping Bag, 19th Hole, P-Rick, Matilda and Twonk.
In parallel, an ongoing programme of quantitative drinking was implemented. This not only doubles the number of down-downs at each circle but also halves the volume that is awarded each time.
“Twice the entertainment at no extra cost – prudent Yorkshire policies in action!”
I commend this statement to the Hash.
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